Over the last week i've experienced every emotion that you can possibly imagine. I'm not gonna go through the whole list and write them all down. If it comes into your mind, i've probaby been through it.
There are really no new details upon the last few days, other than my Midwife's office is filing an appeal with the insurance so all we can do it wait on that, and yesterday I got an amnio to see the exact details on what is really going on inside my belly with this baby.
I'm really needing to use my art to express how i'm feeling. Photography is something I need to be doing instead of sitting here at the computer researching and constantly obsessing over this whole situation. However, I can hardly bring myself to even take the camera out of the bag. Nothing really is motivating me right now. On the other hand, Amir has created three new songs since we found out our horrible news. I guess that's the difference between us. I'm trying to become more motivated to find something to fill that void right now, but sometimes the feelings are so strong it is hard. The feeling of positivity from all of our friends has been amazing and that is something I need to use in this moment.
5 comments:
Mel~
I don't actually know you, but my husband does. I knew you are pregnant, and when I saw your FB profile picture, I knew something must be wrong, so I stalked you down. Hope you don't mind. But, I know that it can be comforting as well as so painful to be in contact with other people that have gone through a similar loss and have experienced so much pain. I am not sure if you know that Jake and I lost twins last year. And though I didn't carry them for as long as you will have your little one, the loss is still so intense. One thing that brought me comfort was talking to and reading one of my girlfriend who keeps a blog. She went through such a tragic loss - and it was not unlike your situation. She carried her terminal baby (almost) to term - and she found a lot of peace in it. If you'd like to read her blog, I think you would find comfort in knowing you aren't alone. http://raechelmyers.blogspot.com/2008/01/but-take-heart-i-have-overcome-world.html
I also sought out the company of other people who have gone through/were going through losses online at http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/4236699/ShowForum.aspx . I didn't feel like I had anyone in real life that could identify with my feelings, and maybe its stupid to have found solace with internet strangers, but it did help me.
Maybe talking to these people, or telling them your story could help in some small measure. Maybe not. I know that nothing anyone says, or tries to do will really help. And nothing makes sense, and nothing is fair. I know that. And my heart is breaking for you. I am sitting here crying for you, and I don't even know you.
But I know pain.
I hope you find a moment of peace today, and in the days to come. I am not a good prayer, but I will say a prayer for you and your husband.
My thoughts are with you and your baby.
Much love and peace,
Jennifer Moreland
Jennifer,
I really appreciate that you took the time to write to me. I did know that you and Jake lost twins last year, and at the time, I felt such strong feelings of sadness for you both. However, until now I never could really understand exactly what you were going through.
You are right that nothing really helps, and i'm still trying to grasp why this happened to us, and am afraid to try again because i'm Terrified of this same thing happening. It does help to talk to people who have gone through similar situations. Just to know that you are not alone in this is a bit of a comforting feeling, even though it's hard to find comfort in anything right now. I'm trying to stay strong and know that whatever decision Amir and i make it doesn't matter what other people think, just that we are needing to make the best decision for this child.
I will definitely look at your friend's blog, as at this moment, what I need is to see i'm not alone.
Thank you so much for listening to my blog and taking time to write me.
There won't be any explanations that do anything but leave you with more questions. Nothing a doctor tells you, nothing a friend or parent tells you to try and make sense of this will bring you much comfort. There is just no sense in a tragedy like this. You just have to do whatever it takes for YOU to get through another day.
And one day the pain will lessen, but you will always have the pain that comes from losing a child.
Whatever decision you and your husband make is what is best for your family.
And one day you might want to try again. For me, I had to try and get pregnant as soon as possible. I was almost consumed with the need to have another baby inside of me. As if in someway that would ease the pain. What I didn't realize is that being pregnant after a loss is nothing like the first time you are pregnant. After you experience a loss your naivety is gone, the innocence of thinking that your baby is going to be perfect - that's taken from you.
But with all the pain you have now, there is hope, that some day you will have a healthy baby to love. And the baby you carry now will be it's guardian angel.
Jake and I have been thinking about you all day - and our hearts are so heavy with sadness for you and your husband. Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you.
-Jennifer
It makes me feel a little bit better just to read what you wrote. The crazy part is that I feel as though, unfortnately, I have quite a few friends that have lost little ones in the first few months of pregnancy so I was always a little nervous that I would be on that. I was SOO happy when I got through the first tri that I thought I had made it. All of my books said that it is SO rare that anything happens to the baby after that fact,so I really started to allow myself to feel it. To feel happy, to feel like this was really going to happen. We really were gonna be parents. Then to hear this news was just insane to me. Until it actually happened I never even really read about people that this happened to. But I know that it did happen to me, and that I have to keep going on and finding strength in whatever I have to find it in. If i have to cry all day then that's what i have to do. One of the saddest things for me is that, I made it so far that I can feel the little one kick every now and then. I now know that had she been made the way she was supposed to, she'd be more active, but when she doesn't kick i'm gonna be sad. I know that day is coming soon, and I when I feel her I need to stop and just allow myself to feel it before this is all said and done.
I really appreciate everything that you have said to me. I may have you or Jake make me a drawing. I am gonna soon be getting a memorial tattoo of my little one and I will probably need some help with it. I have some ideas, but cannot draw. :) . Thankyou
I can't imagine how sad it is for you to have made it far enough to be able to feel her kicking and alive and knowing that it will be gone all too soon. But, I hope that you can soak up each moment with your baby, and stop during your day to feel her movements. The remaining moments that you have together will be so precious one day. Each time you feel a belly rumble, a poke, or a feather light kick - those are the good memories you will have with your child.
Jake made me a memorial painting of two stars in the sky. I have it hanging in my living room.
I am getting a memorial tattoo for my twins (hopefully soon) it will say "Too beautiful for Earth" on the insides of both my wrists.
I'm sure whatever you decide to have done to memorialize your baby will be so beautiful and meaningful.
Love.
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