The other day the most horrific thing that you can possibly think of happened to me and my husband. We went to my midwife appointment filled with excitement about finding out whether our baby was gonna be a boy or a girl. Turns out what the doctor told us would forever change our lives. Our child has anencephaly, which means that part of their brain never formed, and the top of their skull is also not there. Aside from this the little one was going to have extreme cleft palate, the eyes were extremely bulged out because of the non formation of the skull, and there was not a nose. This is something that nobody goes to the doctor expecting and when he told me I thought that I was in some sort of extreme nightmare. They had us do a level 2 ultrasound to make sure that what they saw was right. It was. My options were to carry it to term or end it now. I really respect all of the women who can actually go through with carrying this out fully, but I cannot. I am not made that way. My child will be born deaf, blind, and never consious. The only reason it can even breathe and have a heartbeat is because that part of the brain actually developed properly.
I am trying to stay as positive about this whole situation as I can, but at times I find that brutally difficult. It's hard for me to take that I'm a really healthy individual who did everything right (or so I thought), and still had something this awful happen. Especially when I see other pregnant women not taking care of themselves, eating fast food constantly and drinking soda. But I cannot focus on what they are doing, as I am me,and need to worry about myself and come to terms with this whole thing.
I'm terrified of being induced because then the baby that is in my belly will no longer be with me. As much as it hurts me when I feel him kicking I love it too because soon I will not have that feeling at all. I loved this baby more than anything and shared so much with it these past 5 months. It's hard to imagine going to the hospital to "birth" this baby, and coming home empty handed and no longer pregnant. There is such an emptiness that I feel that I know will never go away. This is something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, even if I do have another child. This was my supposed to be my first born, the first grandchild, but it will never be.
Mostly, i'm gonna miss carrying the little one around with me in my everyday. We thought that we made it halfway, but mistakenly fell short. Even though this child was never meant to really experience life, we still have gone through so much together and i'm gonna be extraordinarily sad to see it end this way.
RIP: Augustine Alexander
August 2009-December 2009
2 comments:
I am very sorry for your loss. My son also had anencephaly..if you ever need anyone to talk to you can message me. ((hugs))
I am so sorry that you have had to make such a tough decision after receiving such heartbreaking news. I too understand how you feel concerning being healthy vs. those that are not while pregnant with your child. My son had suffered from a brain hemorrhage in utero or when he was born, which resulted in brain damage, as well. However, it was nowhere near as severe as you what you and your family have had to go through. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
Tanya
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