19 weeks 6 days

So there are still a set of my pregnancy photos that were never put up. They are the last ones of baby Augustine, so I wanted to go ahead and put them up so that I will have chronicled her whole journey. It's been 10 days and I am missing her more than ever. Not a minute goes by that I don't think of her.

Something To Share

Ran across this poem today and just wanted to share. I didn't get a chance to really know Augustine, but I feel like in the past month she has taught me SOOO many things I would not have learned on my own.




I Am the Child

I am the child who cannot talk.
You often pity me, I see it in your eyes.
You wonder how much I am aware of – I see that as well.
I am aware of much – whether you are happy or sad or fearful,
patient or impatient, full of love and desire,
or if you are just doing your duty by me.
I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater,
for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times.
I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated.
I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well-being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me.
I do not give you rewards as defined by the world’s standards -
great strides in development that you can credit yourself.
I do not give you understanding as you know it.

What I give you is so much more valuable – I give you instead opportunities.
Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine;
the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities;
the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible.
I drive you further than you would ever go on your own,
working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers.
I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk.
The world seems to pass me by.
You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair,
to run and play like other children.
There is much you take for granted.
I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I’ve dropped my fork again.
I am dependent on you in these ways.
My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune,
your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself.
Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them.
I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright,
to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent.
I give you awareness.
I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired.
I don’t learn easily, if you judge me by the world’s measuring stick,
what I do know is infinite joy in simple things.
I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life.
My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child,
to teach you how much your arms around me mean,
to give you love.
I give you the gift of simplicity.
I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the child with a disability.
I am your teacher.
If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life.
I will give you and teach you unconditional love.
I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you.
I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted.
I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams.
I teach you giving.
Most of all I teach you hope and faith.
I am the child with a disability.

- Author Unknown

Almost a Week

So it's almost been an entire week that i've now been without Augustine in my life, and I have been feeling so emotionally unbalanced. There are times that i'll be completely fine and even be talking about this whole situation without even a tear falling to my cheek. However, at other times, I can hardly even speak of it without turning into a faucet. I don't know for sure, but I do have a feeling that these emotions are somewhat normal. Or at least I hope that that are anyway. I've decided to go talk to a counselor about this whole situation because I think it will be beneficial to talk to somebody who has experience in this area. I know that I need to move on with my life, picking up all the pieces,and I feel like she will be able to help me move on. In a way, I feel like being sad and mourning this loss is paying respect to my dear little girl. However, it's probably not the healthiest for me either to keep putting most of my focus on it day after day and not much else. I don't have any sort of network of friends here so i've basically been here at home alone left with my thoughts and feelings. For someone like me, this is not the best because I will just keep thinking about things again and again until i'm going crazy.
I am lucky enough to have a few things coming up that will keep my mind occupied.

-Going to see the family for xmas and good food
-Being able to celebrate the holidays with some good wine
-Heading to Las Vegas with mom and a fabulous massage
-A new tattoo in the works
-A new nosering in the works

So i'm hoping that things these things will keep me occupied for a little while to enjoy the holidays. I hope that everyone has a merry christmas and hopefully we can all get to our families safely with all these crazy winter storms.

She was a Girl

Found out that Augustine was a girl.

3 Days

3 days have gone by since Augustine passed away and I feel lost. I know that this would be the perfect time to find a project to bring all of my attention to, but honestly, I just don't care. At this moment in time nothing really has much meaning. I know that life goes on and as time passes things will possibly get easier, but at this moment nothing really matters much to me.
There is definitely a tattoo in the works, that I hope to get as soon as i'm off of these meds, but I find it hard to focus on coming up with ideas for it for longer than 5 minutes. It also doesn't help that I can't draw. Found some cool photos of things online, but still wish that I could draw some things out. Probably even if I could draw it would be hard to find my focus right now.
This may sound dumb, but the more days go by, the sadder i've been feeling because that may be less that I remember how my baby felt when she was kicking around in my stomach. I miss everything about being pregnant. Being tired, hungry, reading all the good pregnancy books, and I even miss the heartburn. I just want all of those feelings to come back because it means she would be back with me again. I know that i'll never forget about her or how she felt, but I feel like something has been taken from me. Something that i'll never get back.
The feelings that I feel May possibly lessen over time. However, the horrible sense of losing a child will stay with me forever and I am now part of that list that nobody wants to ever be a part of. Nobody should ever lose a child. Even though we didn't get the chance to know our child personally, we still grew to know her over these 5 months and were looking forward to those drawings that she was gonna put all over our refrigerator and all of those things that we were gonna teach her. Those feelings of loss will never go away.

Goodbye Baby

Yesterday Augustine Alexander passed away. It was the saddest, and most tragic day of my life. I know that the decision we made was the right one, but I will always be saddened by the fact that my first baby did not make it. There are really no words to express how horrible and empty I feel right now. I miss having her in my belly feeling her moving every now and then, even though I know that she wasn't made the way she was supposed to be. In my mind she is perfect, and has affected me in a way that I am forever changed.

Kicks

I am already missing her kick, even though it's not all that often. That is what I will miss the most about my little one.