And the Summer Starts Now...

Since the weather has been extremely gorgeous lately Amir and I have decided that we must do as much as we can on our days off. We are looking forward to trips to the zoo, trips to the city and especially are excited for our road trip to Florida. The trip will be cheaper to just drive ourselves so we've decided to take a few days more and just make the drive. We both enjoy the idea of becoming travelling gypsies so we are gonna take our show on the road, for a few weeks anyway, and pack up our things along with some good music, a camera and good company. Let the adventure begin. This past winter was extremely brutal so we want to make the most out of every minute that the sun is shining.
Today we made our way to the local zoo. It's fairly small compared to the 2 main Chicagoland zoos, but I think that is why I liked it so much. We were able to make friends with the baby goats, roll in the hay with the pigs and go running with the foxes. Okay, so maybe not all of that is true, but all of those animals were there and they were all happy to see us. This zoo had a more intimate setting which made our visit there really cozy.
Tomorrow is the opening day for the pool so you can already know that i'm gonna be getting myself a little tan and soaking in the water for a bit.
So glad that the summer has officially begun.

A Sunny Spring Day in Chicago

My brother moved to Chicago about a week ago. I paid him a visit yesterday, and here are a few of the photos I created while I was there

Easter 2010

April

Things have been moving along and me right along with it. The weather is starting to get warmer and in turn makes me feel a bit happier. There's such a refreshing feeling that goes along with being able to have the windows open and have a clean breeze flowing through the air. There is something to be said for seasonal depression in this neck of the woods. It is something that really does exist and affects quite a few people. I've had many clients tell me how they feel as if they have this disorder. In turn, remember to take your Vitamin D every day because the sun isn't always in our clear view.
The past several weeks have been alright for me. I've been moving on with my life, knowing that is what Augustine would have wanted. I'm trying to live my life because I need to make her passing mean something.
It's strange to think that this month would have been the month me and the hubby would have become parents. 9 days to be exact. I can't even begin to comprehend how differently my life would be right now...And so I won't. One thing i've learned is NOT to think about what could possibly be and just let what be be. Sometimes it's hard to live in the now, but focusing my attention to it helps me to live more in the present. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, especially lately, because I was supposed to be meeting her so soon.
Glad to say that I am feeling a bit more like myself. Not to say that I don't have days where it's hard to be around people and would rather sit in the confines of my apartment. However, those days are slowly becoming less. I will always have a void in me that is forever there because of this situation,and that's just who I am now.
Summer is slowly creeping it's way into our lives again and i'm looking forward to catching every ray of sun that I can. I've waited far too long.

It's amazing how fast time goes by. Tomorrow I begin my 4 day long Qigong seminar, and it seems as if I just signed up for it..2 months have already gone by.
When I went back to school for my massage training it made me feel so good. To be in school again, learning something new again was incredibly exciting for me. So i'm even more excited to learn about Qigong. I would tell you about it, but even I don't know much about it. I do know that qigong paired with the food based healing that goes along with it can help prevent several diseases. It also helps those of us who don't like to undergo the knife, by showing us natural/alternative ways of healing ourselves. Needless to say, the holistic/natural way is something that interests me a great deal. I'll be happy to report all that I have learned upon the end of it all.
For the next few days i'll be staying with a friend in the city so that I don't have to drive back and forth from the burbs everyday. Even though i'll still have to be somewhere for 9 hours a day it's still a bit like a vacation from work which i'll gladly appreciate!! Thanks to my boss for allowing me to go to this in the first place.
The next 4 days are going to be yet another step toward the constant healing process of my mind and body that I am undergoing these days.

Time Keeps Moving Along

A few months have gone by since everything happened with us, and it really is starting to feel like a long time ago. I've been feeling a bit better. Actually happy to do massages, excited about working out, and motivated to lose these extra 10 pounds that I put on. At times I can even talk about pregnancy and all that goes along with it without breaking down. I feel as though all of these are steps in the right direction and that excites me.
This past week I had to do my first pregnancy massage since before I took my leave and it was hard. I know that I have no business doing those at this point in time. The happiness I feel for these ladies is there, but I still feel like the energy I may be putting into them by giving them a massage may not be all good. It's funny because as much as the whole birthing process excites me and inspires me, I know that I shouldn't surround myself with pregnant ladies yet. It is not the time. Pregnancy and possibly doula certification are in my future, but not the immediate future. I'm just trying to live a day at a time at this point, and so far that is working out for me.
Next week we are hopefully meeting with a genetic counselor. What I have learned through research and in my HPE support group is that this whole situation could possibly be an isolated incident. Meaning that possibly neither Amir nor I have the gene for this and that is just happened randomly. I half think that this would be better, and that we just were part of some horrible lottery that we actually "won". So i'll have more on that hopefully by the end of next week.
So things keep moving on as they always have. I will always feel a little bit different than I used to, but I am looking forward to things again. My qigong seminar is coming up in a few weeks and then an old friend will be coming to town. Things to look forward to are always good to have :)

Grief is a Strange Thing

Over the past few weeks I feel as though i'm still pregnant in the fact that I am going through all of the emotions possible. At times I feel like I can not feel any more emotions than I am already feeling. Grief is a strange thing because much of the time I feel alright (of course I am always thinking of Augustine). However, in an instant I feel like I could engage in a fight, cry my eyes out and scream all at once. I know that in time it will hopefully pass. I know that I will always feel sad about our daughter, hopefully I will not have to cry as much as I feel it now. I miss her all of the time, and it's been hard because at work one of my coworkers is pregnant which makes me a bit sad. Also, one of my dearest friend's had a baby just a few days ago so that makes me a bit sad too. Now don't get me wrong, I am extemely happy that they are starting on a new path in life with their new family, but it does make me wish that our little one was still around. At times I feel strong hearing about newborns and toddlers, and I still even want to become a doula and start with me pregnancy massage certification. However, an hour later I can hardly hear about the birth of a baby without becoming extremely sad. This is what I mean about grief being such an incredible thing.
I've been trying to keep myself occupied as much as possible lately which has been good. I'm glad that I am back at work. Doing massage again is a good thing and it also can be a form of meditation at times. In March i'm going to be attending a seminar on Qigong which i'm getting really excited about www.qirevolution.com . This seminar couldn't have come at a better time I feel. It deals a lot with breathing, meditation, energy, and food based healing. All of which are very intruiging to me. Last month led me on a path to find out where I am spiritually in my life, and I feel that this will send me in the right direction. I'm just trying to stay as positive as possible and hope that will lead me to where I want to go.