A Vegas Vacation

New years day my mom and I were lucky enough to head out of town to Las Vegas. I was needing to leave home for a little while to get myself out of the house and think about something else besides Augustine and everything that has happened in the past month. We figured that Vegas would be a great place for exactly that.
A few of our friends live out near there, so we were fortunate to have them hang out with us and drive us all around to some places that I had never seen. I had a good time and was enjoying the weather a lot. It was nice to see the sun and feel a little bit of warmth on my body. The sun always makes me feel a little bit better. We are now back and i'm glad that I was able to take a mini vacation with my mom because we always have a lot of fun. Here are a few photos from our trip. The rest of them will soon be up on: www.flickr.com/photos/melissajanke

New Year, New Goals, New State of Mind

Since today is the last day we have in 2009, I wanted to reflect back on some of the good things that have happened in the past year. The year's end has been anything but happy and i'm definitely ready to step into 2010 with full force. However, before this year ends i'd really like to go out on a somewhat positive note. Here are some of the positive things that have happened in the past year worth mentioning:

- I was able to visit a few new places this year and explore the US a bit more
- Celebrated 1 glorious year of being married to a lovely man
- Our oldest fur baby celebrated his 12th birthday by enjoying Amir's homemade dog food cake
- Amir and I enjoyed a lovely trip to California, saw some dear friends and visited some beautiful sites
- Even though it didn't work out, I got pregnant for the first time
- Became more confident in my massage ability
- Found out when i'm face with a tough decision in a high stress situation, I can make it
- Discovered what I really want out of life

Some things I hope for in 2010:

- I hope to pick up my camera more and get more into photography
- Focus on being more independent jobwise
- Move to a place where we are surrounded by good friends
- To be happy
- Get certified in pregnancy massage, possibly certified as a doula
- Learn to become a better cook
- Read more books and learn more
- Turn the tv a little less

Even in the midst of all the insanity i've been thrown, i'm trying to move forward and make my life better than it was a year ago. This is probably something that we should do every year, think about what can make our lives and ourselves better. Therefore, if there is ever a child in our lives we'll be fully ready to welcome her/him into our positive enviroment and happy life. Happy New Year !

2 weeks too Late

Just when I am actually starting to feel about 1% better, I get a letter in the mail to make me relive it all again. Today I recieved a letter from my insurance company that says now because of the Predetermination request sent to them from my midwife's office, they decided that they will cover my induction procedure. Only they have sent this to me 2 weeks TOO LATE!!! This is so frustrating to me because this was information that I needed weeks ago. The state of Illinois has a law stating you can only terminate your pregnancy up to 24 weeks and today I am well over that limit. It would honestly have made me feel better if the letter said that they still wouldn't cover it instead of now telling me that it is medically necessary. I knew that it was medically necessary weeks ago, but they didn't seem to wanna hear it. I was told to have my midwife's office write Urgent on it which they did. However, the information that I didn't know until today was that even if you write urgent on it, they stil have between 2 to 3 weeks to give you a response. I am just so frustrated by anything having to do with my inusurance company. I know that inusurance companies are businesses and they are in it to not to pay for as much as they can get away with, but the people that they are dealing with are people who have to live with their decisions every day. Just makes me wish that we lived in a world where people actually cared about the well being of other people.

Attempting to Heal

I don't really have a lot to say at this point, other than I went and got a memorial tattoo yesterday. I wanted to somehow incorporate a heart, her name, her disease, and the dates that she was around. So that's what my tattoo artist came up with. I'm really happy with it so far. I sat for a little over 5 hours, and there is still a little bit more to do, but i'm really happy with what i have so far. It was very painful, but worth every ounce of that.
It's been not quite two weeks since Augustine was with me and it is starting to feeling as though it was a century ago. I really miss her so much everyday and I know that she's around me in spirit still, but that's just not enough for me. That is all that i'm gonna get so i'm trying to deal with that. Today was my first day of seeing a counselor which was good. It felt good to talk to her about my situation and just get it out. Just trying to start the whole healing process

19 weeks 6 days

So there are still a set of my pregnancy photos that were never put up. They are the last ones of baby Augustine, so I wanted to go ahead and put them up so that I will have chronicled her whole journey. It's been 10 days and I am missing her more than ever. Not a minute goes by that I don't think of her.

Something To Share

Ran across this poem today and just wanted to share. I didn't get a chance to really know Augustine, but I feel like in the past month she has taught me SOOO many things I would not have learned on my own.




I Am the Child

I am the child who cannot talk.
You often pity me, I see it in your eyes.
You wonder how much I am aware of – I see that as well.
I am aware of much – whether you are happy or sad or fearful,
patient or impatient, full of love and desire,
or if you are just doing your duty by me.
I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater,
for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times.
I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated.
I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well-being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me.
I do not give you rewards as defined by the world’s standards -
great strides in development that you can credit yourself.
I do not give you understanding as you know it.

What I give you is so much more valuable – I give you instead opportunities.
Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine;
the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities;
the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible.
I drive you further than you would ever go on your own,
working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers.
I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk.
The world seems to pass me by.
You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair,
to run and play like other children.
There is much you take for granted.
I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I’ve dropped my fork again.
I am dependent on you in these ways.
My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune,
your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself.
Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them.
I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright,
to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent.
I give you awareness.
I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired.
I don’t learn easily, if you judge me by the world’s measuring stick,
what I do know is infinite joy in simple things.
I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life.
My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child,
to teach you how much your arms around me mean,
to give you love.
I give you the gift of simplicity.
I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the child with a disability.
I am your teacher.
If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life.
I will give you and teach you unconditional love.
I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you.
I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted.
I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams.
I teach you giving.
Most of all I teach you hope and faith.
I am the child with a disability.

- Author Unknown

Almost a Week

So it's almost been an entire week that i've now been without Augustine in my life, and I have been feeling so emotionally unbalanced. There are times that i'll be completely fine and even be talking about this whole situation without even a tear falling to my cheek. However, at other times, I can hardly even speak of it without turning into a faucet. I don't know for sure, but I do have a feeling that these emotions are somewhat normal. Or at least I hope that that are anyway. I've decided to go talk to a counselor about this whole situation because I think it will be beneficial to talk to somebody who has experience in this area. I know that I need to move on with my life, picking up all the pieces,and I feel like she will be able to help me move on. In a way, I feel like being sad and mourning this loss is paying respect to my dear little girl. However, it's probably not the healthiest for me either to keep putting most of my focus on it day after day and not much else. I don't have any sort of network of friends here so i've basically been here at home alone left with my thoughts and feelings. For someone like me, this is not the best because I will just keep thinking about things again and again until i'm going crazy.
I am lucky enough to have a few things coming up that will keep my mind occupied.

-Going to see the family for xmas and good food
-Being able to celebrate the holidays with some good wine
-Heading to Las Vegas with mom and a fabulous massage
-A new tattoo in the works
-A new nosering in the works

So i'm hoping that things these things will keep me occupied for a little while to enjoy the holidays. I hope that everyone has a merry christmas and hopefully we can all get to our families safely with all these crazy winter storms.