April

Things have been moving along and me right along with it. The weather is starting to get warmer and in turn makes me feel a bit happier. There's such a refreshing feeling that goes along with being able to have the windows open and have a clean breeze flowing through the air. There is something to be said for seasonal depression in this neck of the woods. It is something that really does exist and affects quite a few people. I've had many clients tell me how they feel as if they have this disorder. In turn, remember to take your Vitamin D every day because the sun isn't always in our clear view.
The past several weeks have been alright for me. I've been moving on with my life, knowing that is what Augustine would have wanted. I'm trying to live my life because I need to make her passing mean something.
It's strange to think that this month would have been the month me and the hubby would have become parents. 9 days to be exact. I can't even begin to comprehend how differently my life would be right now...And so I won't. One thing i've learned is NOT to think about what could possibly be and just let what be be. Sometimes it's hard to live in the now, but focusing my attention to it helps me to live more in the present. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, especially lately, because I was supposed to be meeting her so soon.
Glad to say that I am feeling a bit more like myself. Not to say that I don't have days where it's hard to be around people and would rather sit in the confines of my apartment. However, those days are slowly becoming less. I will always have a void in me that is forever there because of this situation,and that's just who I am now.
Summer is slowly creeping it's way into our lives again and i'm looking forward to catching every ray of sun that I can. I've waited far too long.

It's amazing how fast time goes by. Tomorrow I begin my 4 day long Qigong seminar, and it seems as if I just signed up for it..2 months have already gone by.
When I went back to school for my massage training it made me feel so good. To be in school again, learning something new again was incredibly exciting for me. So i'm even more excited to learn about Qigong. I would tell you about it, but even I don't know much about it. I do know that qigong paired with the food based healing that goes along with it can help prevent several diseases. It also helps those of us who don't like to undergo the knife, by showing us natural/alternative ways of healing ourselves. Needless to say, the holistic/natural way is something that interests me a great deal. I'll be happy to report all that I have learned upon the end of it all.
For the next few days i'll be staying with a friend in the city so that I don't have to drive back and forth from the burbs everyday. Even though i'll still have to be somewhere for 9 hours a day it's still a bit like a vacation from work which i'll gladly appreciate!! Thanks to my boss for allowing me to go to this in the first place.
The next 4 days are going to be yet another step toward the constant healing process of my mind and body that I am undergoing these days.

Time Keeps Moving Along

A few months have gone by since everything happened with us, and it really is starting to feel like a long time ago. I've been feeling a bit better. Actually happy to do massages, excited about working out, and motivated to lose these extra 10 pounds that I put on. At times I can even talk about pregnancy and all that goes along with it without breaking down. I feel as though all of these are steps in the right direction and that excites me.
This past week I had to do my first pregnancy massage since before I took my leave and it was hard. I know that I have no business doing those at this point in time. The happiness I feel for these ladies is there, but I still feel like the energy I may be putting into them by giving them a massage may not be all good. It's funny because as much as the whole birthing process excites me and inspires me, I know that I shouldn't surround myself with pregnant ladies yet. It is not the time. Pregnancy and possibly doula certification are in my future, but not the immediate future. I'm just trying to live a day at a time at this point, and so far that is working out for me.
Next week we are hopefully meeting with a genetic counselor. What I have learned through research and in my HPE support group is that this whole situation could possibly be an isolated incident. Meaning that possibly neither Amir nor I have the gene for this and that is just happened randomly. I half think that this would be better, and that we just were part of some horrible lottery that we actually "won". So i'll have more on that hopefully by the end of next week.
So things keep moving on as they always have. I will always feel a little bit different than I used to, but I am looking forward to things again. My qigong seminar is coming up in a few weeks and then an old friend will be coming to town. Things to look forward to are always good to have :)

Grief is a Strange Thing

Over the past few weeks I feel as though i'm still pregnant in the fact that I am going through all of the emotions possible. At times I feel like I can not feel any more emotions than I am already feeling. Grief is a strange thing because much of the time I feel alright (of course I am always thinking of Augustine). However, in an instant I feel like I could engage in a fight, cry my eyes out and scream all at once. I know that in time it will hopefully pass. I know that I will always feel sad about our daughter, hopefully I will not have to cry as much as I feel it now. I miss her all of the time, and it's been hard because at work one of my coworkers is pregnant which makes me a bit sad. Also, one of my dearest friend's had a baby just a few days ago so that makes me a bit sad too. Now don't get me wrong, I am extemely happy that they are starting on a new path in life with their new family, but it does make me wish that our little one was still around. At times I feel strong hearing about newborns and toddlers, and I still even want to become a doula and start with me pregnancy massage certification. However, an hour later I can hardly hear about the birth of a baby without becoming extremely sad. This is what I mean about grief being such an incredible thing.
I've been trying to keep myself occupied as much as possible lately which has been good. I'm glad that I am back at work. Doing massage again is a good thing and it also can be a form of meditation at times. In March i'm going to be attending a seminar on Qigong which i'm getting really excited about www.qirevolution.com . This seminar couldn't have come at a better time I feel. It deals a lot with breathing, meditation, energy, and food based healing. All of which are very intruiging to me. Last month led me on a path to find out where I am spiritually in my life, and I feel that this will send me in the right direction. I'm just trying to stay as positive as possible and hope that will lead me to where I want to go.

Going Through the Motions

Lately, i've been finding it hard to move on with my life. I've been doing some things that I used to do before and even when I was pregnant like going to work and the gym, but I feel as though i'm just going through the motions. I go to work because I need money. I go to the gym because I want to lose this pregnancy weight, but I don't really care about either of them. It's strange to me to be living the life I used to live before all of this happened. Back when I felt as though everything was alright. Now all I want to really do is pick up and move.
Living in the apartment that I lived in before all of this happened is just not what I want to be doing. I feel like so much has happened in this place that I need to get out of here and start fresh . It's as though i'm living my old life, but now I feel like a completely different person, and the old life doesn't fit me as well as it used to.
I don't meant to complain or not try to move on from everything because I know that I have to, but it's just hard when everything else in my life has stayed the same. Some people may find it comforting to go back to the places they went before to see comforting faces and get that sense of familiarity. However, at this point for me, I look at is as, this is what I did before the loss of my child so it's hard not to think about that while i'm there. It's hard to go back to work, where I was working when I find out I was pregnant. It's difficult to see all of the people I work with and see the looks in their eyes as they look at me. None of them say much because i'm sure they don't know what to say.
I don't really have much of a choice for the next 4 months until our lease is up, but when it is Amir and I are going to be making some major changes in our lives that we will welcome greatly.

Moving Forward

Today was my first day back at work in 5 1/2 weeks and it felt strange. Going back to the place where I left pregnant, I knew was gonna make me feel all kinds of emotions. It definitely did. It was a real slow day, so even though I had my coworker there with me I still had quite a bit of time to be in my head thinking about how weird it felt to be there.
The fact that I had been pretty much alone in my house for the whole 5 weeks I was off work gave me a little bit of a hesitation about being put back into the work force again...with people. I'm learning that i've got to move forward with my life, and that the only way to do that is by presuming my life again. Going back to work, going to the gym, doing things that I used to do before all of this happened. One of the things that I have never been good at is letting go of things. I am awful at it, but i'm honestly trying to live day by day at this point to just make it through and try to be as positive as I can be. That's what i've got right now, and i've got to take hold of that. I may never get over what happened, but for Augustine, I am going to try to live a fulfulling and happy life for her because that is what she deserves.

A Vegas Vacation

New years day my mom and I were lucky enough to head out of town to Las Vegas. I was needing to leave home for a little while to get myself out of the house and think about something else besides Augustine and everything that has happened in the past month. We figured that Vegas would be a great place for exactly that.
A few of our friends live out near there, so we were fortunate to have them hang out with us and drive us all around to some places that I had never seen. I had a good time and was enjoying the weather a lot. It was nice to see the sun and feel a little bit of warmth on my body. The sun always makes me feel a little bit better. We are now back and i'm glad that I was able to take a mini vacation with my mom because we always have a lot of fun. Here are a few photos from our trip. The rest of them will soon be up on: www.flickr.com/photos/melissajanke