Grief is a Strange Thing

Over the past few weeks I feel as though i'm still pregnant in the fact that I am going through all of the emotions possible. At times I feel like I can not feel any more emotions than I am already feeling. Grief is a strange thing because much of the time I feel alright (of course I am always thinking of Augustine). However, in an instant I feel like I could engage in a fight, cry my eyes out and scream all at once. I know that in time it will hopefully pass. I know that I will always feel sad about our daughter, hopefully I will not have to cry as much as I feel it now. I miss her all of the time, and it's been hard because at work one of my coworkers is pregnant which makes me a bit sad. Also, one of my dearest friend's had a baby just a few days ago so that makes me a bit sad too. Now don't get me wrong, I am extemely happy that they are starting on a new path in life with their new family, but it does make me wish that our little one was still around. At times I feel strong hearing about newborns and toddlers, and I still even want to become a doula and start with me pregnancy massage certification. However, an hour later I can hardly hear about the birth of a baby without becoming extremely sad. This is what I mean about grief being such an incredible thing.
I've been trying to keep myself occupied as much as possible lately which has been good. I'm glad that I am back at work. Doing massage again is a good thing and it also can be a form of meditation at times. In March i'm going to be attending a seminar on Qigong which i'm getting really excited about www.qirevolution.com . This seminar couldn't have come at a better time I feel. It deals a lot with breathing, meditation, energy, and food based healing. All of which are very intruiging to me. Last month led me on a path to find out where I am spiritually in my life, and I feel that this will send me in the right direction. I'm just trying to stay as positive as possible and hope that will lead me to where I want to go.

Going Through the Motions

Lately, i've been finding it hard to move on with my life. I've been doing some things that I used to do before and even when I was pregnant like going to work and the gym, but I feel as though i'm just going through the motions. I go to work because I need money. I go to the gym because I want to lose this pregnancy weight, but I don't really care about either of them. It's strange to me to be living the life I used to live before all of this happened. Back when I felt as though everything was alright. Now all I want to really do is pick up and move.
Living in the apartment that I lived in before all of this happened is just not what I want to be doing. I feel like so much has happened in this place that I need to get out of here and start fresh . It's as though i'm living my old life, but now I feel like a completely different person, and the old life doesn't fit me as well as it used to.
I don't meant to complain or not try to move on from everything because I know that I have to, but it's just hard when everything else in my life has stayed the same. Some people may find it comforting to go back to the places they went before to see comforting faces and get that sense of familiarity. However, at this point for me, I look at is as, this is what I did before the loss of my child so it's hard not to think about that while i'm there. It's hard to go back to work, where I was working when I find out I was pregnant. It's difficult to see all of the people I work with and see the looks in their eyes as they look at me. None of them say much because i'm sure they don't know what to say.
I don't really have much of a choice for the next 4 months until our lease is up, but when it is Amir and I are going to be making some major changes in our lives that we will welcome greatly.

Moving Forward

Today was my first day back at work in 5 1/2 weeks and it felt strange. Going back to the place where I left pregnant, I knew was gonna make me feel all kinds of emotions. It definitely did. It was a real slow day, so even though I had my coworker there with me I still had quite a bit of time to be in my head thinking about how weird it felt to be there.
The fact that I had been pretty much alone in my house for the whole 5 weeks I was off work gave me a little bit of a hesitation about being put back into the work force again...with people. I'm learning that i've got to move forward with my life, and that the only way to do that is by presuming my life again. Going back to work, going to the gym, doing things that I used to do before all of this happened. One of the things that I have never been good at is letting go of things. I am awful at it, but i'm honestly trying to live day by day at this point to just make it through and try to be as positive as I can be. That's what i've got right now, and i've got to take hold of that. I may never get over what happened, but for Augustine, I am going to try to live a fulfulling and happy life for her because that is what she deserves.

A Vegas Vacation

New years day my mom and I were lucky enough to head out of town to Las Vegas. I was needing to leave home for a little while to get myself out of the house and think about something else besides Augustine and everything that has happened in the past month. We figured that Vegas would be a great place for exactly that.
A few of our friends live out near there, so we were fortunate to have them hang out with us and drive us all around to some places that I had never seen. I had a good time and was enjoying the weather a lot. It was nice to see the sun and feel a little bit of warmth on my body. The sun always makes me feel a little bit better. We are now back and i'm glad that I was able to take a mini vacation with my mom because we always have a lot of fun. Here are a few photos from our trip. The rest of them will soon be up on: www.flickr.com/photos/melissajanke

New Year, New Goals, New State of Mind

Since today is the last day we have in 2009, I wanted to reflect back on some of the good things that have happened in the past year. The year's end has been anything but happy and i'm definitely ready to step into 2010 with full force. However, before this year ends i'd really like to go out on a somewhat positive note. Here are some of the positive things that have happened in the past year worth mentioning:

- I was able to visit a few new places this year and explore the US a bit more
- Celebrated 1 glorious year of being married to a lovely man
- Our oldest fur baby celebrated his 12th birthday by enjoying Amir's homemade dog food cake
- Amir and I enjoyed a lovely trip to California, saw some dear friends and visited some beautiful sites
- Even though it didn't work out, I got pregnant for the first time
- Became more confident in my massage ability
- Found out when i'm face with a tough decision in a high stress situation, I can make it
- Discovered what I really want out of life

Some things I hope for in 2010:

- I hope to pick up my camera more and get more into photography
- Focus on being more independent jobwise
- Move to a place where we are surrounded by good friends
- To be happy
- Get certified in pregnancy massage, possibly certified as a doula
- Learn to become a better cook
- Read more books and learn more
- Turn the tv a little less

Even in the midst of all the insanity i've been thrown, i'm trying to move forward and make my life better than it was a year ago. This is probably something that we should do every year, think about what can make our lives and ourselves better. Therefore, if there is ever a child in our lives we'll be fully ready to welcome her/him into our positive enviroment and happy life. Happy New Year !

2 weeks too Late

Just when I am actually starting to feel about 1% better, I get a letter in the mail to make me relive it all again. Today I recieved a letter from my insurance company that says now because of the Predetermination request sent to them from my midwife's office, they decided that they will cover my induction procedure. Only they have sent this to me 2 weeks TOO LATE!!! This is so frustrating to me because this was information that I needed weeks ago. The state of Illinois has a law stating you can only terminate your pregnancy up to 24 weeks and today I am well over that limit. It would honestly have made me feel better if the letter said that they still wouldn't cover it instead of now telling me that it is medically necessary. I knew that it was medically necessary weeks ago, but they didn't seem to wanna hear it. I was told to have my midwife's office write Urgent on it which they did. However, the information that I didn't know until today was that even if you write urgent on it, they stil have between 2 to 3 weeks to give you a response. I am just so frustrated by anything having to do with my inusurance company. I know that inusurance companies are businesses and they are in it to not to pay for as much as they can get away with, but the people that they are dealing with are people who have to live with their decisions every day. Just makes me wish that we lived in a world where people actually cared about the well being of other people.

Attempting to Heal

I don't really have a lot to say at this point, other than I went and got a memorial tattoo yesterday. I wanted to somehow incorporate a heart, her name, her disease, and the dates that she was around. So that's what my tattoo artist came up with. I'm really happy with it so far. I sat for a little over 5 hours, and there is still a little bit more to do, but i'm really happy with what i have so far. It was very painful, but worth every ounce of that.
It's been not quite two weeks since Augustine was with me and it is starting to feeling as though it was a century ago. I really miss her so much everyday and I know that she's around me in spirit still, but that's just not enough for me. That is all that i'm gonna get so i'm trying to deal with that. Today was my first day of seeing a counselor which was good. It felt good to talk to her about my situation and just get it out. Just trying to start the whole healing process