New Year, New Goals, New State of Mind

Since today is the last day we have in 2009, I wanted to reflect back on some of the good things that have happened in the past year. The year's end has been anything but happy and i'm definitely ready to step into 2010 with full force. However, before this year ends i'd really like to go out on a somewhat positive note. Here are some of the positive things that have happened in the past year worth mentioning:

- I was able to visit a few new places this year and explore the US a bit more
- Celebrated 1 glorious year of being married to a lovely man
- Our oldest fur baby celebrated his 12th birthday by enjoying Amir's homemade dog food cake
- Amir and I enjoyed a lovely trip to California, saw some dear friends and visited some beautiful sites
- Even though it didn't work out, I got pregnant for the first time
- Became more confident in my massage ability
- Found out when i'm face with a tough decision in a high stress situation, I can make it
- Discovered what I really want out of life

Some things I hope for in 2010:

- I hope to pick up my camera more and get more into photography
- Focus on being more independent jobwise
- Move to a place where we are surrounded by good friends
- To be happy
- Get certified in pregnancy massage, possibly certified as a doula
- Learn to become a better cook
- Read more books and learn more
- Turn the tv a little less

Even in the midst of all the insanity i've been thrown, i'm trying to move forward and make my life better than it was a year ago. This is probably something that we should do every year, think about what can make our lives and ourselves better. Therefore, if there is ever a child in our lives we'll be fully ready to welcome her/him into our positive enviroment and happy life. Happy New Year !

2 weeks too Late

Just when I am actually starting to feel about 1% better, I get a letter in the mail to make me relive it all again. Today I recieved a letter from my insurance company that says now because of the Predetermination request sent to them from my midwife's office, they decided that they will cover my induction procedure. Only they have sent this to me 2 weeks TOO LATE!!! This is so frustrating to me because this was information that I needed weeks ago. The state of Illinois has a law stating you can only terminate your pregnancy up to 24 weeks and today I am well over that limit. It would honestly have made me feel better if the letter said that they still wouldn't cover it instead of now telling me that it is medically necessary. I knew that it was medically necessary weeks ago, but they didn't seem to wanna hear it. I was told to have my midwife's office write Urgent on it which they did. However, the information that I didn't know until today was that even if you write urgent on it, they stil have between 2 to 3 weeks to give you a response. I am just so frustrated by anything having to do with my inusurance company. I know that inusurance companies are businesses and they are in it to not to pay for as much as they can get away with, but the people that they are dealing with are people who have to live with their decisions every day. Just makes me wish that we lived in a world where people actually cared about the well being of other people.

Attempting to Heal

I don't really have a lot to say at this point, other than I went and got a memorial tattoo yesterday. I wanted to somehow incorporate a heart, her name, her disease, and the dates that she was around. So that's what my tattoo artist came up with. I'm really happy with it so far. I sat for a little over 5 hours, and there is still a little bit more to do, but i'm really happy with what i have so far. It was very painful, but worth every ounce of that.
It's been not quite two weeks since Augustine was with me and it is starting to feeling as though it was a century ago. I really miss her so much everyday and I know that she's around me in spirit still, but that's just not enough for me. That is all that i'm gonna get so i'm trying to deal with that. Today was my first day of seeing a counselor which was good. It felt good to talk to her about my situation and just get it out. Just trying to start the whole healing process

19 weeks 6 days

So there are still a set of my pregnancy photos that were never put up. They are the last ones of baby Augustine, so I wanted to go ahead and put them up so that I will have chronicled her whole journey. It's been 10 days and I am missing her more than ever. Not a minute goes by that I don't think of her.

Something To Share

Ran across this poem today and just wanted to share. I didn't get a chance to really know Augustine, but I feel like in the past month she has taught me SOOO many things I would not have learned on my own.




I Am the Child

I am the child who cannot talk.
You often pity me, I see it in your eyes.
You wonder how much I am aware of – I see that as well.
I am aware of much – whether you are happy or sad or fearful,
patient or impatient, full of love and desire,
or if you are just doing your duty by me.
I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater,
for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times.
I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated.
I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well-being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me.
I do not give you rewards as defined by the world’s standards -
great strides in development that you can credit yourself.
I do not give you understanding as you know it.

What I give you is so much more valuable – I give you instead opportunities.
Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine;
the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities;
the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible.
I drive you further than you would ever go on your own,
working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers.
I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk.
The world seems to pass me by.
You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair,
to run and play like other children.
There is much you take for granted.
I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I’ve dropped my fork again.
I am dependent on you in these ways.
My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune,
your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself.
Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them.
I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright,
to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent.
I give you awareness.
I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired.
I don’t learn easily, if you judge me by the world’s measuring stick,
what I do know is infinite joy in simple things.
I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life.
My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child,
to teach you how much your arms around me mean,
to give you love.
I give you the gift of simplicity.
I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the child with a disability.
I am your teacher.
If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life.
I will give you and teach you unconditional love.
I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you.
I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted.
I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams.
I teach you giving.
Most of all I teach you hope and faith.
I am the child with a disability.

- Author Unknown

Almost a Week

So it's almost been an entire week that i've now been without Augustine in my life, and I have been feeling so emotionally unbalanced. There are times that i'll be completely fine and even be talking about this whole situation without even a tear falling to my cheek. However, at other times, I can hardly even speak of it without turning into a faucet. I don't know for sure, but I do have a feeling that these emotions are somewhat normal. Or at least I hope that that are anyway. I've decided to go talk to a counselor about this whole situation because I think it will be beneficial to talk to somebody who has experience in this area. I know that I need to move on with my life, picking up all the pieces,and I feel like she will be able to help me move on. In a way, I feel like being sad and mourning this loss is paying respect to my dear little girl. However, it's probably not the healthiest for me either to keep putting most of my focus on it day after day and not much else. I don't have any sort of network of friends here so i've basically been here at home alone left with my thoughts and feelings. For someone like me, this is not the best because I will just keep thinking about things again and again until i'm going crazy.
I am lucky enough to have a few things coming up that will keep my mind occupied.

-Going to see the family for xmas and good food
-Being able to celebrate the holidays with some good wine
-Heading to Las Vegas with mom and a fabulous massage
-A new tattoo in the works
-A new nosering in the works

So i'm hoping that things these things will keep me occupied for a little while to enjoy the holidays. I hope that everyone has a merry christmas and hopefully we can all get to our families safely with all these crazy winter storms.

She was a Girl

Found out that Augustine was a girl.

3 Days

3 days have gone by since Augustine passed away and I feel lost. I know that this would be the perfect time to find a project to bring all of my attention to, but honestly, I just don't care. At this moment in time nothing really has much meaning. I know that life goes on and as time passes things will possibly get easier, but at this moment nothing really matters much to me.
There is definitely a tattoo in the works, that I hope to get as soon as i'm off of these meds, but I find it hard to focus on coming up with ideas for it for longer than 5 minutes. It also doesn't help that I can't draw. Found some cool photos of things online, but still wish that I could draw some things out. Probably even if I could draw it would be hard to find my focus right now.
This may sound dumb, but the more days go by, the sadder i've been feeling because that may be less that I remember how my baby felt when she was kicking around in my stomach. I miss everything about being pregnant. Being tired, hungry, reading all the good pregnancy books, and I even miss the heartburn. I just want all of those feelings to come back because it means she would be back with me again. I know that i'll never forget about her or how she felt, but I feel like something has been taken from me. Something that i'll never get back.
The feelings that I feel May possibly lessen over time. However, the horrible sense of losing a child will stay with me forever and I am now part of that list that nobody wants to ever be a part of. Nobody should ever lose a child. Even though we didn't get the chance to know our child personally, we still grew to know her over these 5 months and were looking forward to those drawings that she was gonna put all over our refrigerator and all of those things that we were gonna teach her. Those feelings of loss will never go away.

Goodbye Baby

Yesterday Augustine Alexander passed away. It was the saddest, and most tragic day of my life. I know that the decision we made was the right one, but I will always be saddened by the fact that my first baby did not make it. There are really no words to express how horrible and empty I feel right now. I miss having her in my belly feeling her moving every now and then, even though I know that she wasn't made the way she was supposed to be. In my mind she is perfect, and has affected me in a way that I am forever changed.

Kicks

I am already missing her kick, even though it's not all that often. That is what I will miss the most about my little one.

Getting Up

Over the last week i've experienced every emotion that you can possibly imagine. I'm not gonna go through the whole list and write them all down. If it comes into your mind, i've probaby been through it.
There are really no new details upon the last few days, other than my Midwife's office is filing an appeal with the insurance so all we can do it wait on that, and yesterday I got an amnio to see the exact details on what is really going on inside my belly with this baby.
I'm really needing to use my art to express how i'm feeling. Photography is something I need to be doing instead of sitting here at the computer researching and constantly obsessing over this whole situation. However, I can hardly bring myself to even take the camera out of the bag. Nothing really is motivating me right now. On the other hand, Amir has created three new songs since we found out our horrible news. I guess that's the difference between us. I'm trying to become more motivated to find something to fill that void right now, but sometimes the feelings are so strong it is hard. The feeling of positivity from all of our friends has been amazing and that is something I need to use in this moment.

Never Saw it Coming

It turns out the we were wrong with our prognosis from earlier. What our unborn child suffers from is called Holoprosencepaly, meaning that the brain hasn't formed properly, and because there are missing parts to the brain this has affected the forming of the face.
As of the other day, my plan was,because the child will never have a life where it is even able to be conscious, that I would go to the hospital to be induced and birth the child. However, yesterday we learned that the insurance will not cover this procedure because my life isn't at risk. What they don't seem to understand is that my life is completely at risk because in the next 4 months ,and maybe even more, all of the emotional stress can and probably will come out physically.
The whole thing with the insurance still shocks me. We went through many avenues with the insurance. We had my husband's work call from the corporate level. We had my midwife call. We had my midwive's financial advisor call and nothing came of it. So now i'm forced to go through this pregnancy until the end whether the baby dies in utero, or comes out alive. This is a completely life changing situation that I never saw coming. I guess that nobody ever would.
If anyone reading this knows of any support groups with parents of children with this horrible disease i'd appreciate to be informed on this information. I'm doing as much research as I can and trying to live everyday just as that.

Forever Changed

The other day the most horrific thing that you can possibly think of happened to me and my husband. We went to my midwife appointment filled with excitement about finding out whether our baby was gonna be a boy or a girl. Turns out what the doctor told us would forever change our lives. Our child has anencephaly, which means that part of their brain never formed, and the top of their skull is also not there. Aside from this the little one was going to have extreme cleft palate, the eyes were extremely bulged out because of the non formation of the skull, and there was not a nose. This is something that nobody goes to the doctor expecting and when he told me I thought that I was in some sort of extreme nightmare. They had us do a level 2 ultrasound to make sure that what they saw was right. It was. My options were to carry it to term or end it now. I really respect all of the women who can actually go through with carrying this out fully, but I cannot. I am not made that way. My child will be born deaf, blind, and never consious. The only reason it can even breathe and have a heartbeat is because that part of the brain actually developed properly.
I am trying to stay as positive about this whole situation as I can, but at times I find that brutally difficult. It's hard for me to take that I'm a really healthy individual who did everything right (or so I thought), and still had something this awful happen. Especially when I see other pregnant women not taking care of themselves, eating fast food constantly and drinking soda. But I cannot focus on what they are doing, as I am me,and need to worry about myself and come to terms with this whole thing.
I'm terrified of being induced because then the baby that is in my belly will no longer be with me. As much as it hurts me when I feel him kicking I love it too because soon I will not have that feeling at all. I loved this baby more than anything and shared so much with it these past 5 months. It's hard to imagine going to the hospital to "birth" this baby, and coming home empty handed and no longer pregnant. There is such an emptiness that I feel that I know will never go away. This is something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, even if I do have another child. This was my supposed to be my first born, the first grandchild, but it will never be.
Mostly, i'm gonna miss carrying the little one around with me in my everyday. We thought that we made it halfway, but mistakenly fell short. Even though this child was never meant to really experience life, we still have gone through so much together and i'm gonna be extraordinarily sad to see it end this way.

RIP: Augustine Alexander
August 2009-December 2009

The Secret is Almost Out

This week is the big week!! This week we get to find out the sex of our little one. I'm pretty excited about this because i'm ready to start calling it by name and not it anymore. It's a bit hard to believe that in 3 days I am already gonna be 20 weeks pregnant. My belly is still not all that big. Although I can definitely tell a difference mostly in everything I wear. Things that used to be a bit lose or fit just right are becoming a little snug these days. I'll be needing to invest in a new winter coat soon because of this same situation. Unfortunately, I still don't feel as though I really "look" pregnant. If you didn't know me, you'd just assume that I had a not super in shape set of abs. Or maybe, if you do know me,but hadn't seen me in a while you may just think the same thing. Amir said that because i'm a little self conscious of looking fat, that he'd make me a shirt that says "i'm pregnant, not fat"..just to make me feel better about myself. I'm probably a little insane about this whole gaining weight thing especially since so far i've really only gained like 10 pounds. However, it's all about the baby is what I just keep telling myself.
Aside from the whole weight ordeal, i've been feeling alright this second trimester. At the beginning of this trimester I was still feeling pretty run down and drained, but lately i've been feeling more energy coming on which is great! Heartburn has become my new frenemy. I have been told that the more heartburn you have the more hair your child will have, so we'll see if this is true. I'm not sure how the two coincide, but that would be interesting if it were the case. With Amir's head of hair, I wouldn't doubt it at all.
I think that I may have felt a kicking or "fluttering", but since I have no idea what it feels like i'm not sure. However, I have once in a while been feeling a little something down there, so that just might be what it is. If so, then that's pretty amazing. The whole kicking this kind of excites me and makes me a little nervous all at once, but i'm taking this whole thing all one day at a time and trying to enjoy being pregnant. Trying to savour every minute of it. Trying to read up on as much as I can and be as prepared as I can for next spring.
There will be more photos coming before too long. I've been wanting to start showing a bit more before I did more just so that there is more of a difference. So stay tuned for that.

I'm a Blessed Girl

Yesterday was such an amazing day. I am so blessed and thankful to have an amazing husband, the best family, and great friends. It was truly a day of just that. We had Thanksgiving at our place for the 6th year in a row. Once again i've been blessed to have a husband who's amazing at everything he does, one of which happens to be cooking delicous food that you would normally have to pay big bucks for. So that was basically the day. A day of celebrating being together with a lot of delicious food. I was a big distracted this year and didn't take as many photos, so here are just a few from our day.

This is Not a Dream

Even before I got pregnant I knew that I wanted to have a doula attend my birth. Just to have another body there who's gone this the whole process to make me feel okay will really help put my mind at ease. Lucky for me I have a very unfased, stress-free husband that I know will be helpful in this same way.

I've been doing my research online, looking for potential doulas in my area whom I could meet and see if the connection is there. Last week I was lucky enough to meet the lady who has now become our doula. As soon as we introduced ourselves it was as if we had met several times before. I got a great feeling from her right away. Of course, I had my list of questions to ask her in which to see if she was on the same page with what I had in mind. I was lucky enough to find out that she did. It was really great how much we did have in common. Amir and I left that meeting knowing that she would be the one who would attend our child's birth.

Things couldn't be coming along any better I feel. I have a midwife that I really trust and know has my concerns at heart, and now I have a doula that Amir and I adore. With the 5th month soon approaching i'm starting to get more and more excited. It's becoming more real to me everyday. Today we went to visit my family and they gave us our first child's gift. A shirt with Jimi Hendrix on it!! When I saw that it made everything even more real. This is not a dream. In 6 months I will have a child that will be wearing this shirt and taking all of my time!!! My life isn't just gonna be my life anymore. It's gonna be ours. Amir and I are gonna have a family member that has our own blood running through it. The thought is amazing to me.

Meeting the Midwife

So i'm a bit behind on writing this, as i've been in my own world lately. I wanted to still write and talk about how I have a new doctor. A midwife to be exact. From all that i've been reading i've just really been wanting to find a midwife because if I were to find the right one, they would be on the same birth wavelength that I am.
When I got to her office I noticed something so great about the office decore. They had an entire bulletin board set up of photos of babies and their mothers. It was so great to see that. Such a bulletin board of happiness and recognition. The place had a much warmer feeling to it than did the place I had previously gone to. Soon I was brought to a room and the midwife pretty quickly after came in. She came in and introduced herself with a warm greeting and immediately told me congratulations. As soon as I met her and we started talking I felt completely comfortable with her. I started asking her questions from my page long list and she was happy and gracious to answer every single one of them. Something that I really loved was that i'd ask her one question and she'd answer like 3 or 4 of them in just one response. Her answers were corresponded very much with what i'm wanting for my birth, and it didn't take me long to decide that she would be the one. I left the office so happy that I had made an appointment to meet her and that I had a midwife who seemed as though she actually cared about my well being.
That was the first time since I first went to the doctor the first month that i've actually begun to feel good about the birth of this baby. I think that we are going to be okay.

Part 2

So i've been told that once you get going into the second trimester you're supposed to start getting a portion of your energy back. This has yet to happen for me yet. True, I am only a little over a week into it, but i'm still really looking forward to feeling like "the old me" again. Lately i've been feeling pretty run down and am wishing I could have a few cups of coffee to make myself a little more lively.
Hence, this doesn't take away the fact that I am getting a little bit more excited about this whole process. This week we have a full week ahead of us with birth activities. I've been reading quite a lot and decided that I absolutely want a midwife, so i've made an apppointment with one on Friday, and hope that she will be the one I could fall in love with. The place that I have been going to has just not been doing it for me. There are 5 obstetricians who work in the practice and I wasn't in love with any of them. I need to feel comfortable while i'm giving birth so the search is on!
We are also hopefully meeting with our potential doula this week too, who I also can't wait to meet. I am starting to feel like things are begining to come together a bit more now and am becoming about the whole birthing process. I can't believe that at this time next year I will have a little one on my arm.

14 weeks 4 days

11 weeks 6 days

A few weeks ago, Amir took a bunch of photos of me so that we can start documenting my ever expanding belly during these next 9 months.

The Secret is Out

So, yes, i've been gone for quite some time. I guess it was because I felt as though there wasn't a whole lot to say, as has changed now. This summer was amazing. Although the summer weather here never really came, we still were able to make the most of it. We had a wonderful time visiting LA and seeing old friends. I love that city more than any other in the US and always will. After a week there we took a road trip up to San Francisco for another week of just relaxing and hanging out in one of our other favorite city's. I didn't want to ever come back from my California dream.
Upon arriving back in IL about a week into it we were lucky enough to make it to Lollapalooza to have our final blowout of the summer. It was the hottest weekend of the summer, and I was sad to see it come to and end.
A few weeks after that I found something out that was to change our lives forever. One day I was feeling extra sick at work and left early, only to come home and take a pregnancy test(well maybe 2). It was positive and I could and couldn't believe it all at the same time.
So up until this past week I was keeping it a secret from most everyone until I made it safely through the first trimester. I have just heard the horror stories of quite a few ladies I know not making it through. I can only imagine telling a bunch of people then later having to go back and tell them the horrible news. So as of last week we heard the baby's heartbeat and saw it dancing around like crazy. I thought it might be okay to let the secret out, even though i'm still a little nervous. It's definitely nice to have people know and tell you how excited they are for you. There are at least 7 other ladies I know who are pregnant right now too, so it's really great to be able to talk about it with them too.
This whole experience is still so unreal. I haven't gained a lot of weight yet, and haven't felt the baby move so i'm not sure it has completely hit me yet. Yesterday I bought a book by Ina Mays Gaskin called "Guide to Childbirth", which is comprised of a lot of different women talking about their births and i'm just excited to be learning again.
Mostly i'm SOO glad that the secret is out because that was one of the hardest things i've had to keep in my life.

So the last few weeks have been a bit depressing, and just downround strange. I'm talking about the whole death of Michael Jackson. When I first heard about it, just like so many other people, I thought that it couldn't be true. However, I quickly found out that it was. For the first few days it just didn't seem real to me. I know that Michael Jackson was in no way super human, and I knew that oneday he would pass, however I never really put it into any form of reality. There are many people who could care less about this whole thing and that's fine. I, on the other hand, have been affected. One of my best/first memories as a child was when my ma played "Thriller" on the record player. I LOVED LOVED LOVED that song!!!! Not to mention that "The Making of Thriller" was my favorite movie. Still is actually. I watched it all the time as a child.
I feel that in these last several years I've definently strayed from Michael. In my mind i've always loved him and stood by him through all of the drama that his life was, however, I wasn't buying all his cds and been totally there. That makes me feel a little sad. I feel like he was such a good person aside from the fact that he's definently the best entertainer of all time, and I just want people to see that instead of making such harsh judgements about him. We need to become a much more positive country instead of the pessimism that clouds many peoples minds.
There was something that I had to do because of the strong feelings that i've been going through these last few weeks. I wanted to show my love for Michael by getting a tribute tattoo.
So, Michael Jackson, you've touched me in a way that nobody will ever again. Michael, I love you!!! Rest in Peace